I am not well

Recently I have been struggling to stay on top of things. I’m not quite sure when it started or whether there is even a problem, but I feel like the force is not in balance at the moment. I’ve been thinking a lot, and I wonder if writing some of this down might be a kind of therapy.


I’ve not been sleeping well most nights for what feels like a while. When I go to bed I go off pretty quickly and soundly. However once I stir during the night I really struggle to get back to sleep and I often find myself watching the clock and waiting for the alarm to go off and the official start of another day. I’m trying to analyse what is causing this and why? Part of it is I think wanting to catch the alarm before it goes off so that I don’t wake Theresa up. My phone alarm is setup to turn on a minute before the sound of the alarm goes off and I think subconsciously I want to be awake during that minute as I can stop the noise and therefore not wake the house up. I can’t say if this is what stops me going back to sleep when I look at the clock and notice it is only 0400 though. The lack o sleep means that I am not always thinking clearly and I start my days with an already part depleted battery.

In February I had an accident at work and cut my finger quite badly. I’ll write about the story another time as it has an amusing element to it, but in the context of this post is not appropriate. What counts is that it is uncomfortable a lot of the time. Also I am now getting trigger finger in my little finger which is very painful. Basically my finger locks in a hooked position and I have to pull it to unclench it. I think this has woken me during the night sometimes. Worse though is that it does batter my morale. I just feel like my body is hurting all the time now and I am tired of it. It’s not real in your face pain, but is still a constant in the background which is quite draining. I have been back to the hospital about my hand and I am on the waiting list for an operation on my trigger finger. Hopefully it will be soon. This will be my fifth time in just over year that I will go into surgery and that is demoralising. It has got into my head a bit that I am falling apart and what will go wrong with my body next?!

A few days ago I had a horrendous night when I really felt like I was losing it. I was awake for what felt like the whole night and all I kept thinking about was killing myself. It scares me to write this and it’s bringing a chill on me when I think to how real those thoughts were. I have wondered in the past about dying and feeling like it wouldn’t matter so much if I did. But this night I felt like I could get out of bed and just end it. It’s hard to write down how real it felt, but I could actually picture myself doing it. It has never felt so real before. Part of my not sleeping was battling the demons and also being scared that if I was asleep I would not be in control of myself. I got up in the morning and felt pretty lost. So I called my GP in the morning and had a calming chat with him. He suggested the first route was to try and sort out the sleeping issue and prescribed me some sleeping tablets. I have been taking these for a few days now and am unconvinced they are doing anything as I am still waking up during the night sometimes and struggling to get back to sleep. I am feeling a lot better than I was, but I think this may be due to other factors more than the tablets.

I have decided to reassess myself a bit and try and improve things that I can control. One of those is my health and fitness. I have let myself go a bit over the Summer, but now is the time to get myself sorted out. Basically I am eating less which should bring my weight down a bit. I am also making sure I am going for a good walk each day, and sometimes going out with the kids on their bikes when I get home. Foraging is helping with this (even though it will lead ultimately to drinking and eating!).

Another side that needs dealing with is my relationship with the children, and Meg in particular. She is testing Theresa and I a lot and I am finding that I am getting angry with her a lot which I don’t like. I can feel myself getting wound up by her when she doesn’t do what I ask/tell her, but I can’t control and suppress those feelings at the moment. What I need to learn is to be aware of them coming on and use a different strategy with her. I don’t think I should suppress the feelings, but maybe pause them while I address Meg and then vent them after. Burying feelings has not been good for me in the past and I think will mess my head up if I do.

Theresa has found a website called Empowering parents (http://www.empoweringparents.com/) which seems to have some really good articles and advice on it. There will be a lot of reading and learning involved, but mentally I am committed to developing this. A key seems to be to remain calm with Meg and walk away when she is having one of her tantrums. Theresa has been using this technique successfully this week. What I need to do is use this when I get home and hopefully we’ll both develop a closer bond.

Part of the problem I’ve been having is being very tired and wired at the end of a day. It varies a bit depending on how good a time I have in the office, but most days I feel a relief when I pull up outside the house. It’s almost like I’ve been running on adrenaline all day and then I get home and can breathe out and relax. Unfortunately I seem to get a massive down from the buzz and part of the result of this seems to be that I snap when provoked. This feeling lasts for a little while and mainly until I sit down for a few minutes. This isn’t new to the last few months, but I think it is contributing to my negativity a bit. Some of the time I am driving home thinking that I will probably have a battle for a while. Meg and I battling did seem to come to head when I used to put her to bed and she is very skilled at delaying and diverting from the task in hand. Theresa has stepped in for the moment and is putting Meg to bed which is giving me some space. I need to learn to ignore Meg when she plays up and start putting her down again as it is one of the few times I get to see her during the week.

One of the frustrations I have when I get home is that the place often needs tidying up. I have realised that I take comfort from order and it both relaxes and irritates me as I tidy. Starting to tidy annoys me, but completing the task relaxes me. I find I automatically start putting things away when I get home even when I am tired. Theresa gets annoyed as she wants me to sit down and unwind, but I can’t seem to get her to understand that it is part of my being home and getting ready for the evening. I also want to get it done when I get home rather than leaving it so that I can relax. I know the house will be a bit cluttered because the kids play with the toys all day and I really have no issue with that. I also believe that Theresa’s job during the day is looking after the children and not tidying up after them and that is part of our responsibilities after they go to bed. I am still trying to work out the best way to come home. I need to learn to let any irritations go over my head so that I don’t need to suppress feelings. And I need to learn to distract the children when I want them to do something else. A lot of help is available on the website above and I just need to find it and take it in.

Going forward I feel a lot more positive than when I had the bad day last week. I had a massage early this week and that also seems to have helped. I am going to finish the course of tablets the doctor gave me and then see where I am. Hopefully the date for my hand operation will come through soon which will also be a positive step forward. I think that I need more help than tablets and I think I will ask the doctor for some kind of counselling help or maybe Cognitive Behaviour Therapy as my gut tells me that could help.

This is day one of getting better Dom.